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03/06/2005: "The Care and Feeding of Your Elders"

We went out to dinner the other night at a chain Italian restaurant and I left with a few thoughts to pass on to the sweet young things that serve the guests. You were raised in a politically correct environment. They taught you to treat everyone the same. Don’t. Now that you’re out in the real world, you need to think your way through each and every situation. Don’t treat everyone the same because they aren’t.

This restaurant, whose English translation for their Italian name is Joey’s Basement, was a pleasant place with a cheerful staff, palatable and plentiful food, and amusing decorations that made good conversation pieces while waiting to be served.

We were greeted by an enthusiastic staff and hostess at the front door who surveyed the seating chart and instructed the waiter to take us to the table she had designated for us. The waiter asked if we had ever been there before, to which we answered no. She told us the name of each of the dining rooms as we passed through them and a little about the menu to orient us to the place. Having made the rounds through most of the restaurant on this mini tour, we arrived in the Velvet Room which had about ten tables and only one which was occupied. She pointed to a corner booth next to the occupied table and told us that would be our table. We looked around the dining room and asked her for a table with four chairs not a booth. She left to go and consult with the hostess and returned a few minutes later to announce that the table we were standing next to while we were waiting would be fine for us to take, which we did.

The hostess and wait staff may have noticed when we came in that one of the members of the party walks with a walker. She doesn’t do this because it’s the latest craze among geriatrics. She does this to be able to walk. Walking is not taken for granted by this person; it’s a huge and painful task to successfully move through a crowded obstacle course. So it would have been okay to skip the mini tour through the kitchen and various dining rooms. From the hostess station to the table via the direct route through the bar was only about 25 steps. When in doubt, ask. “Would you like to take a short tour of the restaurant or go straight to your table?” “Straight to the table, thank you.”

The booth option that wasn’t was because there was neither the space to get the walker between the two tables nor the agility to slide sideways into the booth. It’s okay to discriminate. Really it is. Booths-think young people. Tables-think old people. Tables close to the bathroom and exit=prime real estate worth a big tip from us gooters.

Every restaurant has a traffic pattern and a place where congestion occurs; it is inevitable. I can see an architect deciding that bus stations along the only corridor leading to the bathroom would be good idea but why would anyone who knows anything about a restaurant actually put them there? Joey, goomba, what were you thinking?

The trip to the bathroom was further enhanced by the storage of extra chairs along the walls on both sides of the small hallway leading to the ladies room. Where is the fire marshal when you need him? I went through the hallway first turning all the chairs sideways to clear enough space to allow the walker through. Enter the bathroom and a ten year old is occupying the handicapped stall. She comes bouncing out and her older sisters apologize and note that the handicapped stall was the only one not occupied and she really had to go. Yeah and the handicapped parking space was the only one left and you were just going to be a minute. No ten-year old has to go that badly. Now after she has kicked out a couple of kids and her bladder prolapses, we can have a serious talk about needing to go badly.

Anyway kids, I just wanted to give you a few hints on the care and feeding of your elders because one thing is for sure. You aren’t ever going to get any younger and with luck you will get much older. Treat the elderly very well and set the precedent for when you are.